really, this job of motherhood is the most important task i have to excel at.

i don't want my son's childhood to be incidental to the agenda i have as an adult. i want him to be my agenda. i want him to be able to spend all morning making a fort out of my bed if he wants to, with no schedule to bind him to a particular set of bookends.

a schedule is good, somedays. rushing isn't so good, and in rushing around trying to get my errands done, with ds in tow, leaves little time for him to experience the slowness and zen that i idealize for myself, and yes, for him too.

somehow, journaling is about trying to leave deeper footprints.... i have been on this earth for 34 some odd years, this time around, and there are huge swaths of time for which i have little or no recollection. when i am writing of my life, i am making a record, some sort of proof, of having lived through the experiences that i have.

i have another project journal, a patchwork quilt of my memories, wherein i try to fill in the gaps. it is fun, and i think i can learn a lot about myself through it. but sometimes i wonder... do other people have such difficulties remembering their childhood? does this indicate something significant about myself, this patchy memory? or is just a symptom of having lived such an unsettled & gypsy sort of life....

i spent the middle of last week going on a genealogy frenzy. i do this every so often. i explore my family tree that i have constructed thus far, and search for possible clues... links through which i might find more connections into the past.

my old chemisty teacher, mr. walsh, would likely say that i am rather cavalier with the data, but i follow my intuition & matching data, and have been rather successful in finding links to the distant past.

my new project is more about finding links with the distant me!

well. it's over.

thank goodness.

i managed to get even sicker while i was down there. i was in the dry sauna, and this chick comes in & before i realize what is going on, she ladles 3 heaping scoops of water onto the rocks. the steam comes at me like a locomotive. i inhaled, and felt a searing pain in my chest. i think i got an inhalation burn.

so now i am in recovery, rather mucus laden, and have a headache to top it off.

i am finally done with the studying, the worrying, and the stress. i did the best i could do on the test, and with a bismillah, i give it up to the Universe.

now i have 6 more weeks, at least, before i discover if i am licensed, and can get a real job.

in the meantime, i need to make some money. i hope to find something soon, but it is hard to get motivated when i feel the way i do. luckily, sun is at school, and i have some quiet time to just read & be quiet & nurture myself.

today is sort of like a day out of time.

tomorrow i will figure out what to do next.....

maggie should be here in a little while to pick me up. we are meeting several other women & staying in a suite down in columbus for state boards tomorrow.

i feel pretty good right now. there are rising waves of panic that try and overtake me every so often, but so far, i have been able to keep them from bubbling over. it could be harder when surrounded by other stressed out people. i may have to hide out a lot today....

i did wake up feeling as if i have forgotten EVERYTHING. how embarrassing it will be if i do not pass. i should have studied more. yada yada yada.... really, i feel as prepared as i am going to be. i would even venture to say that i feel pretty relaxed right now. the trick will be maintaining that through test time tomorrow.... i just need to keep breathing, and not soak up the anxiety of others. this would be a good time to practice grounding techniques....

papa & i exchanged anniversary gifts last night in celebration of one year together.

we also exchanged cards. we each got the other a card with purple irises on it. it was a pretty neat symbol of being together for a year & still being on the same page. i think we are growing closer all of the time.

well, it worked.

i regained some sense of order in my brain by straightening out the house. in some way, it is like casting a circle.... i am laying claim over my space again, smudging it with my attention, and in that way, i am clearing the energy.

i feel much better. part meditation, part prayer, the ritual of straightening up has a similar emotional impact to bumping heads.... i feel grounded again.

i remember that i have to trust in It. it will support me in following the true path, i just have to cultivate attention to It.

damn.

"It" sounds so formal. but my intellect rebels at the use of pronouns for describing the nameless.

yet what i feel in me, is less a yearning for some "It", than a trust like a child in the great mama. she will take care of me.

i guess that is why i self identify as somewhat of a pagan. the great mama resonates so clearly, like a bell. and yet i find truth & comfort in many differing conceptual constructs of deity.

the life of pi is making me feel very aligned with hinduism these days. that ancient framework invites all players of archetypes into the game.

a bit of judiciously applied caffiene & a shower, along with some much needed alone time has done wonders for my state of mind.

the guys have gone to cory's farm, and i have been left blessedly alone in my mania.

and this little voice in the back of my brain keeps nudging me "you should study some. maybe read kellogg again. you could be more prepared than you are" and on and on and on.

but i am going to ignore that voice.

the house needs attention, and i have noticed that when the house is messy, i feel messy in my head, so i am going to see if some energy expended in that direction will ease my worried mind.

plus, it is easier to do that sort of thing when the guys are out.

i have 2 days left until i take my state board license exam. i am caught like a deer in the headlights, midway between mad anxiety and approaching apathy. i am trying to stay grounded, and envision the Trust card from my tarot deck, but it is a hard state to maintain.

my family is excited for me to take the test. mostly, i believe, because they want me back.... i have been in a very distracted and stressed out state for over a month now, and it will be nice to put this behind me & try & be present with my family.

and the stress has finally done on number on my physical self, too. i have some inflammation in my nose & throat, and i can just picture the misery of the test itself, with a runny nose, or a stuffy head and a big old headache, and i do believe i will pass in spite of these obstacles.

now for a hot bath & some bouncing, to stimulate my lymphatic system & get this virus taken care of....

every so often i look around me & wonder if i am ever going to feel as if i have my act together, or is that some sort of joke that we all play on ourselves. the journey is the important thing, and all that... the act is never quite together, it is more of a process, a dance, and if i can let go of my culturally indoctrinated goal orientation, i will likely be a lot more at ease with my life.

i pulled out the zen osho deck today & spent some time looking at it with sun. it is a neat starting point for conversations about emotions & about being an individual with all these different parts. we made some 'still-lives' or perhaps more acurately, collages, of the cards & took some photos.

we talked a lot about yin & yang. he came up with the example of inhale & exhale. i told him that he had come up with the best metaphor of the evening.

one interesting aspect of this blogging this is that i already spend too much time in front of the computer. yet i spend a lot of it responding to posts and focusing on other people's lives, when i could, instead, take a simiilar approach with my own life.

jourinaling is always a meditative process for me, which is different in flavor from my experience with message board posting, when i am often waiting for a reply, or seeing what is going on with other people.

in being introspective, i t is in many ways self nurturing. that is a good way for mom to take care of mom.

plus, i feel it will get me thinking creatively, which is also very different in flavor from stuffing more information into my cranium. it is the exhale, which is so necessary to balance the inhale.

and i know from past experience that thinking creatively has wondrful side effects on my family, and my relations with them. i get more fun with sun when i am in a creative space, instead of a must-do space. which is healthy & important to experience with him.

maybe he will want to start a blog....

intention

i want to capture the thought behind the title of this work.

sometimes being a mom is incredibly rewarding. sometimes, it is an awful lot of hard work.

i need to see the continuity & the connection between these places, and make a sacred space where i can remind myself of why i am a mom, and how important it really is.

every so often i get into this space where i realize just how important journaling is to the health of my soul. and usually this means carting out some pretty paper thing that i have had in a closet forever and start writing.

and eventually stop.

then i start the whole process once again, in some new book, because somehow, with paper journals, continuity of time period between covers becomes very important... each volume speaking of a certain season, a certain life....

this is different, though. i think i can pause, in this format, and come back to it again, and again.

i hope.

writing is so healing, and so grounding. and i do have a lot to write about. and i often tell people i want to be a writer, so here is my chance to practice, to exercise that part of myself.

this is the third blog i have created. i don't know if i am going crazy, or what, but somehow, each has its own flavor, its own material, its own part of my life that it covers.

and i almost feel like spelling it out, but instead, i think i will go do something else, and let these journeys into the realm of writing take on their own lives, and see what the creative organic process makes of it all!