my sweetheart brings me garbage

it's true.

some women are brought gifts of flowers, or chocolate, or jewelry. i get garbage. literally.

i just finished re-arranging my furniture, because today, he brought home a nice gently-used pine vanity type table (i call it this because it has a section where the top lifts up & there is a mirror inside, although i am not at all certain as to its intended purpose.) he also brought home the matching stool (this needs re-upholstering, but i can get my MIL to help me with that, & she will be thrilled.)

it shocks me, really, to see the piles upon piles of things that people put out for the garbage men in these parts. there is absolutely nothing wrong with my new furniture. it is in better shape than much i have seen in thrift stores. but folks are too lazy to make conscious dispositition of their goods. just put it out for the trash. and we have piles and piles of it going out every week.

i lived through the summer when the garbage barge in NY went on strike. the piles reached the 3rd floor windows. ever since then, i have had this thing about garbage. i guess that was my wakeup call to ecology.

i do my best with my own output. better than some folks, i expect, although i know there are those who make me look wasteful.

but i really do love finding perfectly good things that others have left out as trash. it is like getting presents from santa or something. and my husband knows to keep an eye open on garbage day, and when he brings me some wonderful treasure that he has found, it truly makes my day.

I am struggling against a massive pms headache right now. I surrendered to the ibuprofen, and am now waiting for it to kick in. The Sunchild & I want to do some shopping, and it is drizzly, and I am contemplating a damp bike ride. I think one more cup of tea might actually get me motivated, but one can never tell...

I am hurrying through Daniel Elkind's The Hurried Child, which I picked up recently in my studies of education & homeschooling & child-rearing. Oddly, I find that I am learning more about my own childhood as I read it. Of course, it was written about my generation, in the mid 80s, and many of his allusions strike a resonant chord in me.

I do see myself as a hurried child, doing my best to grow up as quickly as possible & get safely out on my own. I suspect that the character of my 20s was due to this scenario. I think hurrying children can be likened to flooding a carburetor, and having to wait to apply the spark again until the fuel has subsided somewhat. It is like that old saying, 'Slow & steady wins the race.' I definitely wasn't slow, or steady, but I think I am finally catching up to those that were...

Autumn is in full swing these days, and as the leaves drift lazily down against a backdrop of grey, I feel my sight turning within as the days grower noticeably shorter. I love the fall. Being a Scorpio, I feel very in tune with the nature of death & rebirth. This time of year brings out my introspection, like gazing into a deep well, as I contemplate another approaching birthday-- my own personal new year.

Homeschooling has become my focus, as I struggle with defining what, exactly, that means to me. When my son was younger, my alternative ways were more easily hidden, as we flew below the radar of consensus reality in many ways. Homeschooling, however, at least here in Ohio, requires that I notify the school board. Somehow this makes it all official. It is rather like the difference between living together in a long-term, personally defined, committed relationship, and getting married with a license filed in the county courthouse. As long as we avoid self-defining, we don't have all of the baggage thrust upon us by others and their expectations. The documentation, in a sense, carries the weight of societies expectations, and demands that I live up to the agreements I have made with myself.

Truly, life is different now that we are married. It has been a year and a half, and so many of our pre-marital struggles have evaporated. Our comfort levels have increased, and our willingness to be open and vulnerable with each other is growing all the time. We have surrendered to this path, and, now we can focus on doing good while walking it.

I sense this shift happening, now that we are 'officially' homeschooling. In aiming toward public kindergarten this year, my sense of self began to be subsumed by all sorts of concepts of what 'should' be. And when I began feeling should-upon, I get incredibly tense and worried and life is hard. When I feel less should-upon, things open up, and I am more able to act from the heart.

Instead of trying to make my family fit into the local elementary school, and its surrounding culture, we can focus on defining, strengthening, and polishing our own family culture. We can choose to act in the ways that we think are important, and teach our son to focus on discovering his own gifts, and how best to be in relationship with other people. In choosing to homeschool, our whole family is learning these things, and it honors this journey that our three souls have embarked upon, for this turn of the wheel of life.

And in case I wasn't paying attention, the Universe gave me a nice sign yesterday, that I am walking the right path. I got a call for 2 massages last night. I haven't had any clients since before my tests. Now that I am settling into myself, I am calmer, and more grounded. That is the state I need to be in to practice massage- not stressed, nervous & worried. It is funny how very eloquent the Source/God/ess/Great Spirit is when one is quiet enough to listen.

well, i am past the hump, and feeling more like myself once more. dh has made himself scare the last few nights, giving me the alone-time i need to satisfy my soul.

it is a beautiful october day, and autumn is my favorite season, especially when it is sunny & crisp & lovely out. i have invited my MIL to go tag sale-ing, and we should be heading out on this treasure hunt soon.

meanwhile, i am sipping tea, and pondering the nature of cycles, of self-actualization, and of salmon swimming upstream.

homeschooling and pms don't flow very well together. or at least, i haven't figured out the secret key yet. it probably involves lots of videos & large doses of some sort of sedative LOL. that would be for me, by the way.

really, it is about my own expectations. i want to be on it, every day. present & learning & being there with my son. but my body, my hormones, my soul & my spirit demand my attention in the days before my moontime, and the needs of my family lessen in importance in the face of my need for looking within.

and when i try to get the job done, and ignore my inner needs, everything just goes to hell.