outside the box

2007-06-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

Ruby is getting close to crawling. She is up on her hands and knees pretty often & doing the rocking back & forth thing. She is going to be moblie before I know it!

2007-05-03T23:45:00.000-05:00

This one was so cute I just had to share.

2007-04-13T01:14:00.000-05:00

My pregnancy was very private. I took up journalling instead of blogging, which was appropriate to the nature of the process. But now, as Ruby is more aware of the larger world, it may be time to write my thoughts about motherhood, homeschooling, and other things in this realm again. Of course, nursing is somewhat inhibiting to being at the keyboard, so it may remain infrequent after all.

2007-01-22T14:35:00.000-05:00

She is so fun. I love taking pictures of her!

2007-01-19T18:04:00.000-05:00

The little one has arrived!!

We are calling her Ruby, and still searching for the perfect middle name.

She doesn't leave me much time for blogging!

She was born 1/10/2007 at 4:01am.
She was 10lbs, 12oz.
She was 22.5 inches long.

She is simply wonderful.

2006-10-29T23:46:00.000-05:00

The Sunchild loves to give kisses to the 'baby in da belly.'

2006-10-29T23:44:00.000-05:00

Well, this is just about what is up with me...

2006-10-14T21:10:00.000-05:00

I have fallen out of the habit of blogging lately. I still maintain the homeschool blog, but my musings & meanderings have slipped by the wayside...

In fact, I have still been writing. I just have gotten a bit old-school; a notebook, a pencil, sitting on my bed, contemplating the nature of pregnancy, motherhood, the feminine & the eternal unfolding of the universe.

As I type this (trying to control my urge to avoid capitalization a la e. e. cummings) I am 28 weeks and 5 days pregnant. It says so on my ticker, that I use at my mommy boards. The last few weeks have gone by in a blur. I had a wonderful busy visit with my inlaws in early September; luckily it was in the 2nd trimester, and I was feeling strong & up to it. After they left, I got very involved in the local homeschool group, and making time commitments & schedules. Soon, I was out pretty much every day.

Now, I am feeling the difference in this last phase of pregnancy. I can't keep up the pace. And there is a lesson in that- in where I am supposed to be putting my attention right now. I need to gather my energies in an autumnal, coalescing sort of way; banking my fires to conserve my inner power. I have not been making time for connecting with my body, for stretching, for yoga. I have not been putting self-care as a high priority. I get caught up in being there for my son, because I know that relationship is going to shift dramatically. I am savoring the place we are in, where our communication has so much depth and presence. I am concerned with my ability to be present for him when the baby comes...

And yet, here we are, moving forward. Time is inexorable, like labor. We must be there for each stage of the change, and try and see the pattern and the cycles that are playing out. Sometimes, that awareness makes it all much easier.

I trust that it is getting better all the time. My worries sometimes make me forget this truth, but that really is the underlying sense that I get out of life.

2006-07-08T21:51:00.000-05:00

i am new to this neighborhood dynamic. we have 2 neighbors who are both 5 (ds is 6). they play well together most of the time, but certain dynamics keep surfacing which make me uncomfortable. i have been steering their wonderful, creative sword play towards 'how about you can all be on the same team- and go find a dragon to conquer- in fact, i heard there's a dragon hiding in the bushes around the corner...' and they are off, yelling about cyborg dragons, and doing cool ninja movements.

but often, what they are doing when i feel the need to steer, is this 2 on 1 thing that drives me batty. ds is doing his best to be the diplomat, but he often gets caught up in it. and suddenly, someone is outnumbered & outarmed & feeling badly.

i am feeling torn between the need to teach good interpersonal skills & the need to let things get worked out between them in their own way. it is hard, because there is this prevalent attitude that it is perfectly normal for boys to spend all day running around whacking at each other. whereas, i am of the school of thought that some whacking is good, but that there are also plenty of other ways to spend your energy. so the other parents just expect them to work it out on their own- and i feel the need to guide.

one of the neighbors kids is somewhat of an instigator- he is here part of the time with his dad, and it is really the only play he knows. the other boy is from india, and indigo & he play in many different ways when T isn't around. but somehow, when T shows up, he wants to exclude M, and ds follows along more often than i would like. of course, sometimes the tables are turned, but not too often.

and dh tells me i worry too much. M's mom is pretty laid back, and says 'they will work it out' and i expect they will. but i still have the urge to meddle. i am not used to living in a neighborhood...

2006-07-04T13:45:00.000-05:00

I live in a real neighborhood now. I don't think that has ever been the case before, and I am a little boggled by it, but there it is. My son is next door, doing yoga with our neighbors. They are from India, and the mom & kids just got back last week from an extended trip. They have a 5yo, and Sun & he are becoming fast friends.

In fact, yesterday, Jaia, the mom, asked me over for some spicy Indian fish. It was fun to hang out with her & her 6 month pregnant friend who was also there. I think Jaia was making sure her friend was eating enough. She has that mamakitty quality.

I am not used to having neighbors that I feel comfortable having Sun visit with such regularity. I think this is how life is in many places, but I am still getting used to it.

2006-07-02T13:19:00.000-05:00

I have been slacking on this blog since our great westward migration. There is so much work involved in moving, and settling in, and learning about a new community, that most of my energy has been going into all of that sort of thing. What blogging I have been managing to do has been at my son's homeschool blog.

I have been journaling, though. I have gone back to more primitive methods- paper and pencil. I have been writing a lot, in all actuality, but much of it is very private, and not at all appropriate for such a public forum as a blog.

Oh, did I mention that I am pregnant? Hence the more internal focus, and private musings of my written word.

However, now the word is out. We have told our families, and we are all very excited about this newest addition. It is a bit intimidating to be in a new place, and so close to broke, and in such a situation. But in all reality, it is not that much different than the first time around- at least this time, we aren't on the run from the law!

And so it is, as we get settled in, and I ride the waves of pregnancy hormones, and deal with all of my personal issues that are coming up in the process. I swear pregnancy is a lot like therapy, if you let it be.

2006-04-22T21:16:00.000-05:00

i changed my desktop background to a photo i took of the grand tetons the last time i was driving through wyoming. we should be passing that way again in about 10 days.

it is neat because the last time we were there was on our way to british columbia, and sun was so little & everything was so different. and this time he is SIX! which seems like a great age for a road trip. i know that i remember things from that time period, (which included a summer road trip, in fact, now that i think about it. hm, i see a pattern here.)

anyway, i wonder what jackson hole will look like at this time of year.

and it will be neat to do the whole classic 'heading west' routine. there is a lot of history in getting over those rocky mountains, in our modern day conastoga.

tonight was the last night at my job at the restaraunt that i worked at for the past 2.5 years. those people were like family to me. i cried a whole bunch on the way home.

and then i felt better.

i am starting to get really excited about this move. hopefully, i can keep the excitement up & the anxiety at bay LOL.

2006-04-13T22:17:00.000-05:00

I cried on the way home from work tonight...

My mom & my gramps are driving out of town early tomorrow morning, and another whirlwind visit is over. It was intense, as always, but with a bit of perserverance & a whole lot of love, we made it through.

Now I can start to think about moving again.

This past week has required so much of my attention, that I haven't been able to put much energy into the move. Luckily, we have done so much packing & whatnot already. We leave in about 2 weeks. This is the countdown.

I have one more week at work- and a very intense week it is. I have tomorrow off, thank goodness, as I need a moment to recuperate before jumping into the fracas. This weekend is Easter, and the restaraunt is expecting at least 700. I know I will be plum tuckered out by the time that day is over. I am also working Wednesday throught Saturday, having picked up a crab legs shift on Friday. And so, I am ending my Mustard Seed adventure with a bang!

Tonight was pretty busy as well, and included an 8 top consisting of my family. I also had a trainee, which was fun, although it did complicate matters a wee bit.

On that note, I need to get out of my head & into my body & relax in a nice hot bath. Mateo went out, leaving me some time to listen to a bit of quiet, and get grounded & centered again.

the essentials

2006-03-27T08:54:00.000-05:00

this ~moving~ is an interesting phenomona to observe. i find myself crystalizing, coalescing out of solution. as the detrius i have collected gets whittled away to that which i really deem necessary, i find myself finding myself... the mirror is being polished, and i am left with a clearer image of who i am.

i am reading, still. but now, i leaf through bodywork related books, rolfing, touch for health, shiatsu. autobiography, instead of novels. and i try to distract myself with projects (but it would be fun to sew myself a cloak just like sun's!) yet i manage to keep my energy focused on those things that really matter- thus, things are going at a pace that seems to be right on course. the movers contract was faxed today. now the circle is cast.

conscious of the limits of time, i try to fill what time i have in the best & most useful way possible. it is interesting to see what that is turning out to be.

tolkiening

2006-03-16T15:17:00.000-05:00

There is more in you of good than you know, Child of the Kindly Mist. Some courage, and some wisdom, blended in measure. If more of us valued food & cheer, & song above hoarded gold, it would be a merrier world. But sad, or merry, I must leave it now.

Thorin Oakenshield, The Hobbit

2006-03-03T15:35:00.000-05:00

I was overcome last night with a wonderful realization. I will be living in a place in which the motion of the tides is prominent, and easy to be aware of. This is very important to me in terms of my spirituality, inasmuch as we are tidal creatures, and our lack of attention to this fact leads to many difficulties.

When I am in a situation in which my energy is low, or my outlook less optimistic than usual, I am able to step outside myself, and recognize the ebb & flow. Today, the packing seems impossible. However, I recognize that hormonally, I am in a place of low energy, and introversion. In honoring this, and its temporary nature, I am able to let it go. I can feel it without clinging to it. It is very much like the process of meditation, and letting go of thoughts that arise- yet this is emotional, and so, like water, slower to shift than the mental, airy, realm.

Or perhaps, not necessarily slower to shift. The tides can come in very quickly sometimes. But when the tide is going out, you can't really stop it from happening. You just have to go with the flow.

I feel like I have reached another point on my path, another lookout spot, from which I am gaining a whole new perspective. If I had been raised in a world which honored the cycles more clearly, and taught women the fundamental attunement we have with these cycles, perhaps I would have been able to see more clearly much sooner.

Yet, who knows? Perhaps it is a synergistic process, and this new perspective could only be gained through the various and divergent paths I have walked. Perhaps it only comes with time and experience. However I got here, I am glad to say that this perspective helps me to take myself less seriously, and remember what is really important in life.

2006-02-17T13:45:00.000-05:00

The time is drawing near for the end of the Ohio chapter of our journey. We came here for a purpose, and that purpose has been fulfilled. We would not have chosen to live here at all, if there hadn't been unfinished business to attend to.

We have known all along that this spring would be the time, as the sap rises, and the sun warms the lands; the time is ripe for growing in a new direction. We have been researching the Olympia area, and there are many things to be excited about. I feel a great longing within to once more live my life near the mountains, and the ocean.

I am grateful that I have had the chance to live here, in Ohio I have been blessed in these three years, to have lived close to my inlaws, who are amazing people. I wish I could take them with me to Washington. I bet that they would like it out there too.

Now, with a bit more than two months to go, and the tax return already filed, I feel the anxiety beginning to build. It has been a while since we have been on the road, and I feel somewhat stagnant. The concept of packing up all of our stuff yet again is somewhat daunting. I have been plugging away at it, boxing up things we will keep, and donating that which is excess. We live rather simply, and have less material possessions than most, yet the task still seems huge.

I am very much looking forward to the feeling of driving west, yet again. To start a new chapter, explore a new place, make new friends, and maybe, just maybe, find a place for my gypsy self to settle down in for a while.

2006-01-21T20:32:00.000-05:00

Six years ago, I was snuggling up with a tiny baby that I had been carrying around for about 9 moons. He was so tiny, so precious... and inside myself, I felt something begin to bloom.

He is sitting on the floor, it is late, it is quiet. He is putting together a dragon from the Lego Viking Fortress, which was the gift his Papa & I picked out for him. He is getting pretty good at legos.

He is six years old.

Six years ago, I was living by the side of a dry riverbed, under clear desert skies.

Six years ago, we had frequent potluck parties, and drumming circles.

Six years ago, I had no idea what I had gotten myself into, but I knew I was on the right path.

Having explored that path for some time now, I am gaining a better sense of what it is, exactly, that I have gotten myself into. I feel like a visitor to a local art museum, gaining new perspectives on a well-known piece upon each visit. A sense of wonder grows within me, as I witness the unveiling of a soul.

As my son grows older, and more confident in the world around him, I see how he is uniquely himself, and what an honor it is to accompany him, for a while, upon his path...

2005-12-29T23:30:00.000-05:00

The season has been somewhat of a blur. The end of the year often does, what with all of the hubbub, and whatnot. I have spent some wonderful time with some wonderful people, and hope to continue in this vein to welcome in the New Year.

Nonetheless, the writing has gone to hell, and the accompanying sense of groundedness has been somewhat scant as well.

Writing, for me, requires solitude, which is a commodity hard to find around these parts lately. I know it will come again... these things are tidal, as are all things.

Luckily, I have been able to surf the fluidity, mostly, and do alright in the face of my flight from center.

currently reading...

2005-12-23T22:29:00.000-05:00

Teach Your Own: The John Holt Book of Homeschooling by John Holt & Patrick Farenga

Homeschooling and the Voyage of Self-Discovery by David H. Albert

The Unprocessed Child: Living Without School by Valerie Fitznreiter

and listening to the audiobook:
Peter and the Starcatchers by Dave Barry & Ridley Pearson

reading aloud:
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix

2005-12-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Look who came to feed at the birdfeeder today!

And not on the birdseed, either! We think she is a Cooper's hawk, as her coloring was pretty light, and she is the right size. Too bad we couldn't get better photos- she flew away after the second shot.

2005-11-30T10:05:00.000-05:00

I managed to not only survive the hosting of Thanksgiving dinner, to pull it off very well to boot. All of the food was ready on time, tasty, and received rave reviews. I feel like I have been initiated into some sort of new level of adulthood.

I have also been reading A Breath of Snow & Ashes by Diana Gabaldon, which accounts for my lack of time for writing. I really need to avoid these 900+ page books, because they tend to interfere with my normal life. Luckily, I am about 100 pages from the end, and then I will be free. The book is very good, and I am enjoying it immensely, but I am having a hard time doing much else.

2005-11-22T14:44:00.000-05:00

I was just contemplating my kitchen. My mother is arriving soon, from out of town, and I have dirty dishes. I may do them, I may not. I'm not sure. It's my birthday, after all, and I just don't feel like it.

I spoke with my MIL this morning. She asked if I was cleaning up for my mom, and commented that she always cleans when her mom is coming to visit.

My home is less clean than it is at other times of the month, but I am ok with that. Things are tidal, and I am trying to tune in to the ebb and the flow. Besides, my mother doesn't judge me.

That's what I came to, while looking at my lived-in looking kitchen. I don't have anything to prove to my mom. And that feels really, really good.

In fact, I think that my mom has a bit of John Holt within. During my life, she has beamed with pride upon my various accomplishments. And she has held back disapproval, when I was exploring the less savory aspects of adulthood in the 20th Century, and just continued to love me. She has trusted me to find my own path, and always been there for me, no matter where my path has wandered.

I think she is also very much relieved that I have settled down somewhat, into a less eccentric mode of living. Her baby girl is finally growing up.

my sweetheart brings me garbage

2005-10-28T21:44:00.000-05:00

it's true.

some women are brought gifts of flowers, or chocolate, or jewelry. i get garbage. literally.

i just finished re-arranging my furniture, because today, he brought home a nice gently-used pine vanity type table (i call it this because it has a section where the top lifts up & there is a mirror inside, although i am not at all certain as to its intended purpose.) he also brought home the matching stool (this needs re-upholstering, but i can get my MIL to help me with that, & she will be thrilled.)

it shocks me, really, to see the piles upon piles of things that people put out for the garbage men in these parts. there is absolutely nothing wrong with my new furniture. it is in better shape than much i have seen in thrift stores. but folks are too lazy to make conscious dispositition of their goods. just put it out for the trash. and we have piles and piles of it going out every week.

i lived through the summer when the garbage barge in NY went on strike. the piles reached the 3rd floor windows. ever since then, i have had this thing about garbage. i guess that was my wakeup call to ecology.

i do my best with my own output. better than some folks, i expect, although i know there are those who make me look wasteful.

but i really do love finding perfectly good things that others have left out as trash. it is like getting presents from santa or something. and my husband knows to keep an eye open on garbage day, and when he brings me some wonderful treasure that he has found, it truly makes my day.

2005-10-25T10:46:00.000-05:00

I am struggling against a massive pms headache right now. I surrendered to the ibuprofen, and am now waiting for it to kick in. The Sunchild & I want to do some shopping, and it is drizzly, and I am contemplating a damp bike ride. I think one more cup of tea might actually get me motivated, but one can never tell...

2005-10-17T19:43:00.000-05:00

I am hurrying through Daniel Elkind's The Hurried Child, which I picked up recently in my studies of education & homeschooling & child-rearing. Oddly, I find that I am learning more about my own childhood as I read it. Of course, it was written about my generation, in the mid 80s, and many of his allusions strike a resonant chord in me.

I do see myself as a hurried child, doing my best to grow up as quickly as possible & get safely out on my own. I suspect that the character of my 20s was due to this scenario. I think hurrying children can be likened to flooding a carburetor, and having to wait to apply the spark again until the fuel has subsided somewhat. It is like that old saying, 'Slow & steady wins the race.' I definitely wasn't slow, or steady, but I think I am finally catching up to those that were...

2005-10-12T08:10:00.000-05:00

Autumn is in full swing these days, and as the leaves drift lazily down against a backdrop of grey, I feel my sight turning within as the days grower noticeably shorter. I love the fall. Being a Scorpio, I feel very in tune with the nature of death & rebirth. This time of year brings out my introspection, like gazing into a deep well, as I contemplate another approaching birthday-- my own personal new year.

Homeschooling has become my focus, as I struggle with defining what, exactly, that means to me. When my son was younger, my alternative ways were more easily hidden, as we flew below the radar of consensus reality in many ways. Homeschooling, however, at least here in Ohio, requires that I notify the school board. Somehow this makes it all official. It is rather like the difference between living together in a long-term, personally defined, committed relationship, and getting married with a license filed in the county courthouse. As long as we avoid self-defining, we don't have all of the baggage thrust upon us by others and their expectations. The documentation, in a sense, carries the weight of societies expectations, and demands that I live up to the agreements I have made with myself.

Truly, life is different now that we are married. It has been a year and a half, and so many of our pre-marital struggles have evaporated. Our comfort levels have increased, and our willingness to be open and vulnerable with each other is growing all the time. We have surrendered to this path, and, now we can focus on doing good while walking it.

I sense this shift happening, now that we are 'officially' homeschooling. In aiming toward public kindergarten this year, my sense of self began to be subsumed by all sorts of concepts of what 'should' be. And when I began feeling should-upon, I get incredibly tense and worried and life is hard. When I feel less should-upon, things open up, and I am more able to act from the heart.

Instead of trying to make my family fit into the local elementary school, and its surrounding culture, we can focus on defining, strengthening, and polishing our own family culture. We can choose to act in the ways that we think are important, and teach our son to focus on discovering his own gifts, and how best to be in relationship with other people. In choosing to homeschool, our whole family is learning these things, and it honors this journey that our three souls have embarked upon, for this turn of the wheel of life.

And in case I wasn't paying attention, the Universe gave me a nice sign yesterday, that I am walking the right path. I got a call for 2 massages last night. I haven't had any clients since before my tests. Now that I am settling into myself, I am calmer, and more grounded. That is the state I need to be in to practice massage- not stressed, nervous & worried. It is funny how very eloquent the Source/God/ess/Great Spirit is when one is quiet enough to listen.

2005-10-06T07:27:00.000-05:00

well, i am past the hump, and feeling more like myself once more. dh has made himself scare the last few nights, giving me the alone-time i need to satisfy my soul.

it is a beautiful october day, and autumn is my favorite season, especially when it is sunny & crisp & lovely out. i have invited my MIL to go tag sale-ing, and we should be heading out on this treasure hunt soon.

meanwhile, i am sipping tea, and pondering the nature of cycles, of self-actualization, and of salmon swimming upstream.

2005-10-04T07:33:00.000-05:00

homeschooling and pms don't flow very well together. or at least, i haven't figured out the secret key yet. it probably involves lots of videos & large doses of some sort of sedative LOL. that would be for me, by the way.

really, it is about my own expectations. i want to be on it, every day. present & learning & being there with my son. but my body, my hormones, my soul & my spirit demand my attention in the days before my moontime, and the needs of my family lessen in importance in the face of my need for looking within.

and when i try to get the job done, and ignore my inner needs, everything just goes to hell.

2005-09-19T22:58:00.000-05:00

ever since my last post here, i have been struggling with my conflict about my son's education. this is chronicled in our homeschool blog, and i won't rehash the whole thing here, except to say that we followed our instincts and have removed ourselves from the government schools.

it feels good. it is very freeing. a bit scary, though, too. and i am filled with an overwhelming urge to 'get it all done now' and to show everybody just how well this is going to work by diving right in. and in this, i am losing sight of my purpose, which is to nurture my son's innate desire for knowledge, and find out who he is & what it is that he finds interesting. it is not to have a full list of 4 hours a day of documented materials covered. that is their game, and i don't want to play it.

and so, i let my creative spirit play some tonight. i envisioned decorating his corner of the living room. i envisioned researching archery equipment & taking a field trip to dick's. i remembered that screw that we need to replace on his trailer bike, and saw us biking to home depot to find one that would fit.

there are a lot of adventures to be had, and i want them to read more like poohbear than a tax form.

2005-09-06T07:20:00.000-05:00

summer is drawing to a close and my thoughts are scattered like the early autumn leaves. our whole crew went on a whirlwind visit with my east coast relatives, which was a lot of fun, although rather tiring. we even contemplated moving up there, as a proposition was made by my cousin involving an empty house that needs tending.... but we have come to our senses and realized what my friend sully pointed out: "not supposed to be moving further EAST!!!"

we came back to the north coast and hit the pavement running. the sunchild missed the first day of kindergarten, and was very excited about his own 'first day'. he had a good time, but his excitement has since turned to boredom and frustration. 'i hate school' he tells me. should i be surprised? so did i, most of the time. and i wonder what sort of place i am coming from where i would entrust him to a system that i find flawed & even damaging. the other kids are mean to him and don't want to play with him. this is supposed to help him develop better social skills?

my MIL insists that it is good for him... that he will adjust. well, maybe that is true- but do i really want him to adjust to the system? i know that he is strong, and bright, and resilient- but the system is big & heartless & hungry for little minds. they watch a movie every freaking day, for crying out loud!!!

part of me feels we should try it for a year. i could use the time to work, to find clients, to actually practice the vocation for which i trained so long and so hard. we would have enough income to feel safe, rather than strained, as is our normal MO. we would then be able to move to olympia in the spring, easily.

but another part screams that a year is too long. the damage to his spirit could be great. he will learn mediocrity, and to be a cog in the system. he will learn so many things about the dark side of human nature, and the cruelty of children, and the apathy of bureaucracy. and so we make some extra money. at what cost???

we will move next year, no doubt. we have done it before with even less. is it worth it to go against my instinct in order to ease financial stress? and i can still see clients in the evenings- i just will not likely be able to get a 'job'. and considering how much of a hassle it has been to make my business legit, maybe that is the wisest course after all...

2005-08-29T21:17:00.000-05:00

i think i operate on the premise that people need space. when i find myself in crowds, i pick up on the amount of energy present, and it makes my energy level higher. sometimes, afterwards, i feel anxious, still pulsing with energy i picked up hours earlier. i tend to need space to ground that energy, especially after a particularly intense experience.

and if i don't get the space i need, i get irritable & take it out on my family. not nice, i know, but real. i need to work on three tools- grounding more effectively in the presence of others, taking the space to ground, when that is what is necessary, and recognizing the need to ground when the energy is rushing too quickly.

otherwise, this energy (which i tend to interpret somatically as fear) can fly out of me like lightning from a cloud, & hopefully can i avoid setting any trees on fire.

not all people need space to ground, though. and those that don't sometimes misinterpret those who do.

2005-08-24T20:59:00.000-05:00

2005-08-23T22:19:00.000-05:00

how far do you take compassion?

i was washing the dishes and pondering the nature of relationships, and interpersonal communication, when i thought of the dalai lama. he is big on compassion.

and as a massage therapist, i am learning to come from this new place, where each person is entitled to their own story, however different from my own it is. and that i don't have to agree with someone to see them as a soul playing out their own story.

and so i strive for compassion. for non-judgement.

of course, i am not always successful. it is hard to be non-judgemental when i feel under attack, or in quite a few other circumstances. history, emotional investment, personal state of mind- they all come into play.

and i am known to lose my temper too. that's when all ideals fly out the window.

but i am trying to make compassion my compass.

2005-08-10T22:05:00.000-05:00

this is the view of our patio . it is right outside of our living room, and we face east for the morning sun. in the winter, i fed the birds. in the spring, the sunflowers sprouted. the other flowers and plants came later.

the 3rd wheel came later on, in summer. i have my mother to thank for that one. that is our 'second car'. it is fun to go to the library with the sunchild. his papa likes to take him to a beautiful place in the woods that he knows. yesterday we went window shopping at toys are us, so that he could write things down on his wish list. i wish there were bike lanes in this neighborhood.

2005-08-10T08:29:00.000-05:00

summertime is just flying by. we have been swimming just about every day, unless i have to go to work, and i am sporting a rather nice tan for a redhead.

somehow, i have ended up with quite a few neighbor kids swarming me on the way to the pool. my MIL invited them to swim with us once & now they seem to think they are entitled to come with us every day. they are good kids though, and i don't mind too much. their mom is in school & working & single & i know she has a lot on her plate.

these kids wouldn't even put their faces in the water when we first went together.... but they have watched sun's progression from a non-face-wetter to a underwater fish, in less then a week, and have been inspired tremendously. it is neat to see them gain confidence.

hanging out at the pool has given me the opportunity to meet some more of my neighbors & see how the local kids interact. i admit that the older boys (who travel in sort of a pack) were very intimidating to me at first. i am now more comfortable with them, as i watch them & learn about their various personalities. this is good, because public school is looming, and all of my social anxieties are rather aggravated by this shift in our lives.

i met the substitute bus driver too. she lives in the complex here & has a son starting kindergarten too. maybe i will actually let him ride the bus to school eventually too. the idea does not sit well with me, but somehow, i think that by the time the snow flies, i might be very happy to have that option.

2005-08-03T08:29:00.000-05:00

three weeks left until kindergarten. why does it feel like I am the one going back to school? truly, it has been wonderful to have no outside schedule to pull at me. the sunchild & i have been having a great time together, especially since i received my exam results back. the fog finally lifted, and my ability to be present & entertaining has returned.

the beginning of school is when i go back to work, as well. i will be doing massage therapy at a chiropractors office 2 days a week. this leaves me time to build up my own practice, as well, which is my ultimate goal.

but for now, i feel the end of summer looming, and have been doing my best to stave it off through a lot of pool time, and intentionally ignoring my lists of things to do.

2005-07-19T20:46:00.000-05:00

it has been a very good month. camping, traveling, freedom from the man....

and i just got the best news. i passed my test!!! it is official. i can now refer to myself as an LMT. i feel really good. i charted a course & ran it & now i have reached that first milestone in my continuing journey as a professional adult with a license to practice medicine! what a responsibility, really. i feel the weight settling on my shoulders. luckily, an LMT has only a limited medical license, so i do not have to shoulder the weight of the world. i can always refer when i feel something is beyond my capacity.

and now i need to get working. i applied for my national cerification today, and filled out my vendor license paperwork for the state.

i have been in somewhat of a state of stasis since i took the exam... like someone had stepped on the clutch, and i was just spinning & spinning.

but now i can let it slip back into gear... get some work done with all of this energy instead of just spinning out.

and i finally have a quiet night to write.

life is good.

and so it goes...

2005-07-02T21:04:00.000-05:00

i worked the last two days at the restaraunt. it sure takes a lot out of me. i am so glad that it is only those 2 days right now.

when we arrived home this evening, the house was a wreck. it is amazing to see the amount of chaos that can develop for just three people in a few short interludes.

when i am actually being present here, it is easier to maintain the order, and to have it be natural, instead of an uphill struggle. i can integrate it with little stress.

luckily, dh went out this evening. waiting tables is rather overstimulating for me, and it is good to have some downtime wherein *I* can focus on *me* instead of being in a state of readiness just in case someone might need something of me.... i need to feed my own soul attention & listening to, and she speaks so softly that it takes silence to hear her voice.

2005-06-30T11:06:00.000-05:00

really, this job of motherhood is the most important task i have to excel at.

i don't want my son's childhood to be incidental to the agenda i have as an adult. i want him to be my agenda. i want him to be able to spend all morning making a fort out of my bed if he wants to, with no schedule to bind him to a particular set of bookends.

a schedule is good, somedays. rushing isn't so good, and in rushing around trying to get my errands done, with ds in tow, leaves little time for him to experience the slowness and zen that i idealize for myself, and yes, for him too.

2005-06-27T09:41:00.000-05:00

somehow, journaling is about trying to leave deeper footprints.... i have been on this earth for 34 some odd years, this time around, and there are huge swaths of time for which i have little or no recollection. when i am writing of my life, i am making a record, some sort of proof, of having lived through the experiences that i have.

i have another project journal, a patchwork quilt of my memories, wherein i try to fill in the gaps. it is fun, and i think i can learn a lot about myself through it. but sometimes i wonder... do other people have such difficulties remembering their childhood? does this indicate something significant about myself, this patchy memory? or is just a symptom of having lived such an unsettled & gypsy sort of life....

i spent the middle of last week going on a genealogy frenzy. i do this every so often. i explore my family tree that i have constructed thus far, and search for possible clues... links through which i might find more connections into the past.

my old chemisty teacher, mr. walsh, would likely say that i am rather cavalier with the data, but i follow my intuition & matching data, and have been rather successful in finding links to the distant past.

my new project is more about finding links with the distant me!

2005-06-15T09:59:00.000-05:00

well. it's over.

thank goodness.

i managed to get even sicker while i was down there. i was in the dry sauna, and this chick comes in & before i realize what is going on, she ladles 3 heaping scoops of water onto the rocks. the steam comes at me like a locomotive. i inhaled, and felt a searing pain in my chest. i think i got an inhalation burn.

so now i am in recovery, rather mucus laden, and have a headache to top it off.

i am finally done with the studying, the worrying, and the stress. i did the best i could do on the test, and with a bismillah, i give it up to the Universe.

now i have 6 more weeks, at least, before i discover if i am licensed, and can get a real job.

in the meantime, i need to make some money. i hope to find something soon, but it is hard to get motivated when i feel the way i do. luckily, sun is at school, and i have some quiet time to just read & be quiet & nurture myself.

today is sort of like a day out of time.

tomorrow i will figure out what to do next.....

2005-06-13T08:48:00.000-05:00

maggie should be here in a little while to pick me up. we are meeting several other women & staying in a suite down in columbus for state boards tomorrow.

i feel pretty good right now. there are rising waves of panic that try and overtake me every so often, but so far, i have been able to keep them from bubbling over. it could be harder when surrounded by other stressed out people. i may have to hide out a lot today....

i did wake up feeling as if i have forgotten EVERYTHING. how embarrassing it will be if i do not pass. i should have studied more. yada yada yada.... really, i feel as prepared as i am going to be. i would even venture to say that i feel pretty relaxed right now. the trick will be maintaining that through test time tomorrow.... i just need to keep breathing, and not soak up the anxiety of others. this would be a good time to practice grounding techniques....

2005-06-12T18:34:00.000-05:00

papa & i exchanged anniversary gifts last night in celebration of one year together.

we also exchanged cards. we each got the other a card with purple irises on it. it was a pretty neat symbol of being together for a year & still being on the same page. i think we are growing closer all of the time.

2005-06-11T12:24:00.000-05:00

well, it worked.

i regained some sense of order in my brain by straightening out the house. in some way, it is like casting a circle.... i am laying claim over my space again, smudging it with my attention, and in that way, i am clearing the energy.

i feel much better. part meditation, part prayer, the ritual of straightening up has a similar emotional impact to bumping heads.... i feel grounded again.

i remember that i have to trust in It. it will support me in following the true path, i just have to cultivate attention to It.

damn.

"It" sounds so formal. but my intellect rebels at the use of pronouns for describing the nameless.

yet what i feel in me, is less a yearning for some "It", than a trust like a child in the great mama. she will take care of me.

i guess that is why i self identify as somewhat of a pagan. the great mama resonates so clearly, like a bell. and yet i find truth & comfort in many differing conceptual constructs of deity.

the life of pi is making me feel very aligned with hinduism these days. that ancient framework invites all players of archetypes into the game.

2005-06-11T11:33:00.000-05:00

a bit of judiciously applied caffiene & a shower, along with some much needed alone time has done wonders for my state of mind.

the guys have gone to cory's farm, and i have been left blessedly alone in my mania.

and this little voice in the back of my brain keeps nudging me "you should study some. maybe read kellogg again. you could be more prepared than you are" and on and on and on.

but i am going to ignore that voice.

the house needs attention, and i have noticed that when the house is messy, i feel messy in my head, so i am going to see if some energy expended in that direction will ease my worried mind.

plus, it is easier to do that sort of thing when the guys are out.

2005-06-11T10:37:00.000-05:00

i have 2 days left until i take my state board license exam. i am caught like a deer in the headlights, midway between mad anxiety and approaching apathy. i am trying to stay grounded, and envision the Trust card from my tarot deck, but it is a hard state to maintain.

my family is excited for me to take the test. mostly, i believe, because they want me back.... i have been in a very distracted and stressed out state for over a month now, and it will be nice to put this behind me & try & be present with my family.

and the stress has finally done on number on my physical self, too. i have some inflammation in my nose & throat, and i can just picture the misery of the test itself, with a runny nose, or a stuffy head and a big old headache, and i do believe i will pass in spite of these obstacles.

now for a hot bath & some bouncing, to stimulate my lymphatic system & get this virus taken care of....

2005-06-10T23:37:00.000-05:00

every so often i look around me & wonder if i am ever going to feel as if i have my act together, or is that some sort of joke that we all play on ourselves. the journey is the important thing, and all that... the act is never quite together, it is more of a process, a dance, and if i can let go of my culturally indoctrinated goal orientation, i will likely be a lot more at ease with my life.

2005-06-09T19:28:00.000-05:00

i pulled out the zen osho deck today & spent some time looking at it with sun. it is a neat starting point for conversations about emotions & about being an individual with all these different parts. we made some 'still-lives' or perhaps more acurately, collages, of the cards & took some photos.

we talked a lot about yin & yang. he came up with the example of inhale & exhale. i told him that he had come up with the best metaphor of the evening.

2005-06-08T22:34:00.000-05:00

one interesting aspect of this blogging this is that i already spend too much time in front of the computer. yet i spend a lot of it responding to posts and focusing on other people's lives, when i could, instead, take a simiilar approach with my own life.

jourinaling is always a meditative process for me, which is different in flavor from my experience with message board posting, when i am often waiting for a reply, or seeing what is going on with other people.

in being introspective, i t is in many ways self nurturing. that is a good way for mom to take care of mom.

plus, i feel it will get me thinking creatively, which is also very different in flavor from stuffing more information into my cranium. it is the exhale, which is so necessary to balance the inhale.

and i know from past experience that thinking creatively has wondrful side effects on my family, and my relations with them. i get more fun with sun when i am in a creative space, instead of a must-do space. which is healthy & important to experience with him.

maybe he will want to start a blog....

intention

2005-06-08T21:53:00.000-05:00

i want to capture the thought behind the title of this work.

sometimes being a mom is incredibly rewarding. sometimes, it is an awful lot of hard work.

i need to see the continuity & the connection between these places, and make a sacred space where i can remind myself of why i am a mom, and how important it really is.

2005-06-08T21:44:00.000-05:00

every so often i get into this space where i realize just how important journaling is to the health of my soul. and usually this means carting out some pretty paper thing that i have had in a closet forever and start writing.

and eventually stop.

then i start the whole process once again, in some new book, because somehow, with paper journals, continuity of time period between covers becomes very important... each volume speaking of a certain season, a certain life....

this is different, though. i think i can pause, in this format, and come back to it again, and again.

i hope.

writing is so healing, and so grounding. and i do have a lot to write about. and i often tell people i want to be a writer, so here is my chance to practice, to exercise that part of myself.

this is the third blog i have created. i don't know if i am going crazy, or what, but somehow, each has its own flavor, its own material, its own part of my life that it covers.

and i almost feel like spelling it out, but instead, i think i will go do something else, and let these journeys into the realm of writing take on their own lives, and see what the creative organic process makes of it all!